New Year's Post

I did it. I got a new job at the chiropractic office! I really needed this for myself and a fresh start at something. New Year, new job and I am excited to 1. Make money again 2. Genuinely look forward to something. Remember when I mentioned that I was receiving chiropractic care, well I asked for a job at the office and I secured it. Things that are meant to happen for you will. During my transition period, I have been taking the time to rest and reset. I’m paying attention to what I need and how to best set myself up for a higher version of myself. I see her and I’m starting to mold her. I am so thankful I trusted my gut and allowed myself to do that. I needed this time to refocus on what I really value and find important, shamelessly including myself. For the past few months, I have honestly been a big self-sulker and have been wanting to make some life improvements such as the ones listed in my previous life update blog. As everyone else does, I am embracing the new year as a kick-off to new commitments and agendas. I’m throwing shit to the wall to see what sticks. 

I’ll admit that I really struggle with lacking motivation and discipline sometimes. I always feel really tired. Recently I’ve fessed up to myself that I continually undermine my mind power to put all these thoughts into actions. But it wasn't until I made a change to remove a negative in my life, that I could pick myself up again. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up again. If you're not gonna lighten the mood, who will? I think think think and do what I need to get by. It's like climbing one step at a time just to get to the top of the stairs at the end of the week and flailing myself back down again on Monday having to mentally prepare again. It's draining. But hey, maybe if I started running, or at least crawling up the stairs like a demented, yet driven demon, I might get to the top of the stairs quicker and have time to take a look around at what’s beyond. Stairs have to lead to something right? What I'm really meaning to say is sometimes I lack the desire to participate in working 40 hours and trying to get by. But I've hit a point where I don't want to dread it anymore because if I'm here already what's the point of not doing something. Or doing it with someone you love. And that's just what the human experience is, trying to figure it all out.

Speaking of stairs, I’ve been revisiting an old friend named StairMaster. He's draining to hangout with, but somehow always makes me feel better at the end of the day. Going to the gym has given me a new hope for life, like it did during my first breakup. When you’re really feeling like shit and have so much on your mind, going to the gym can really save you from self-depletion and pity. It gets you out of the house and contrary to what the major gym bros say, you can go to the gym to just simply walk if that’s all you feel like doing. Do a little extra on the days you want to. I don’t know about you, but a lot of people from my previous schools treated gym class and exercise like it was the goddamn Olympics, so I felt this feeling that if I couldn’t keep up to their pace…I shouldn’t put much effort in at all. I did sports growing up and went to the gym a little bit through college, but not up to the level of frequency I strive to have. Reality is, we don’t have to be the world’s next Olympian and literally no one cares about you at the gym. Everyone is truly focused on themselves. Wow, what a concept! 

Additionally, as an introvert going to the gym feels like socializing without having to fully engage with others. You see and hear people within the same space, but there's no obligation to even bat an eye. Put on some music or a show, my personal favorite are podcasts. I rediscovered that at the top of those stairs is a little something called Dopamine, she’s best friends with Serotonin. Instead of pushing you down the stairs, they’ll pull you back up. Despite promoting physical health, the gym remedies mental health faster than anything else…though not a fix all. While you (me) are at it, take your vitamins too. If you have been a long-term visitor of the gym, great! I am so proud of you, I just know that when I was having a hard time working and feeling low about myself I didn’t even have the gym within my radar. It truly is a form of self-care. You CAN feel better. Reminder to myself as well, that if you gave up something because you weren’t at the capacity to fully learn or enjoy it, that’s okay and there’s no one telling you that you can’t try again. A second commitment and ambition for something that genuinely interests you can entirely change from the first attempt and preconceived notions about the experience. Except your ex. C’mon now.

An unfortunately, yet nonetheless true fact:

Things aren't going to get done if you don't do them. I challenged this in school and still somehow skated by pretty smoothly, but now that I’m an adult and in the “real world” (i hate when adults say that, its like I’ve always been in the real world/experience so shut up) this notion hits a bit diff. Also, this coming from someone who hasn’t had a primary care doctor for almost a year because I haven't actively looked into transitioning from my Pediatrician. So, please know that every piece of advice/realization I write is just me making self notes and suggestions to those who may relate. I am very much taking this all in too and feeling like oh shit yeah I’m a woman now. I love being a woman.

Good news is that you can do the things you wanna do.

For a long time I have been waiting/asking for a message from the universe of what direction to take next and that everything is going to be okay in this mad world. It would provide numerous signs in numerous ways, but its answer to my calling all along was that I am never going to receive a to-do list from the universe. The answers/instincts are already inside me, sweltering up and collecting over a long period of time. I already have the mental list. It's really just about putting them into practice and showing up for myself, which I have started doing. I feel exponentially better from a month ago and I am excited to experience life without my feet already 3 feet in the grass. I had and still naturally have a near pessimist view of the protectory of the world and our economy/environment. But there also is so much hope for at least the beginnings of something different/hopeful that revolutionized through time. My lover really inspires me to just do the best that I can and make the most out of it. This just happens to be the circumstances. We're still luckier than so many others in different ways, even though we face our own struggles. I feel lucky to at least live this life with people I love. For that I am always thankful.

By the time my next blog rolls around, I will have started my new job. I won’t talk about the new job because it's new and I need to soak in the experience, but also because it’s within the medical/treatment realm. I will however update you about how I’m feeling in other aspects of my life and my commitment to my improvements as usual. 

*Me just realizing this blog holds me accountable. Oop.

With that being said, here are my 2024 ins and outs, like the instagram girlies do. Slay.

ins:

• Daily vitamins

• Building and maintaining routines

• Trying delicious teas

• New recipes/foods

• Learning ASL/Chinese

• Being unapologetically myself, that's hot. That’s cool.

• Waking up earlier for slow mornings 

• Being Young & Hot

• Challenging the Patriarchy

• Connecting and learning from women

• Trusting Spirituality/Speaking into existence 

• Commitment to move my body at the gym

• Wearing makeup to work

• Listening to what my body is craving

• Saving more money bitch

• Wearing a signature fragrance(s)

• Hair care

• Card and Video Games

• Reading hella books

• Finding a new friend

• Dealing with adult responsibilities when they approach

Outs:

• Talking down my capabilities, attributes, and confidence/not giving myself credit

• Not feeling confident or appreciative of my body

• Feeling cluttered

• Self-Pity

• Not dancing when I feel like it

• Not wearing what I want

• Soda

• Booty hole posture (not my actually asshole) 

• Not eating breakfast

• Giving up on things I’m not immediately good at

• Constantly spilling shit

I hope it shows that I truly did work hard to design, create, and write this blog website. It truly makes me happy and finally feels like I am tapping into my creative instincts and desires. It was destined that I would wrap up my website and be able to publish it right in time for New Year’s and 2024. Quite literally, I am typing this post hours before the clock turns 12am. Ball’s dropped. Feels like college- the balls or writing before 12am is subject to personal takes. I wrote a New Year’s note of appreciation to my lover and am awaiting for his arrival just in time for my kiss. Cheers to 2024 and doing more of what makes us happy and fulfilled.

Peace and love,

Emma 

Song of the Blog: 

MUSTARD (with 6LACK)

Jordan Ward, 6LACK