Past the First Mountain
I just took an all-encompassing, everything shower and drank my hot chocolate. I’m pampered for the night and ready to reflect. I’ve finally made it past my first mountain to feel more like myself again. Someone with more confidence, ability, desire, and two feet on the ground. I'm ready to climb some more hills. The beginning of 2024 is promising. I’ve been thinking a lot, as usual.
With that being said, this blog is going to be a combination of various thoughts I’ve had throughout the past two weeks.
Two things that will instantly make your life more fulfilling and enjoyable:
1.) Fulfilling your inner child
When’s the last time you fucking colored?
Remember what it was like to play Nintendo with your friends.
Smiley Potatoes???
Crafts…bitch, I love a good craft.
Old computer games or board games are a solid pastime too.
Or being outside barefoot and having a picnic. Some people don’t grow up being barefoot outside, but I’m from Vermont, so it feels natural and grounding to me. Don’t be afraid. Let those dogs out every once in a while. I’m itching for warm weather and the sun. I feel like Timothy Green in the sun, soaking that shit up.
The one thing that really kept me going and thriving as a child was film and entertainment. It was a true comfort for me and still is. It started with movies and then YouTube popped off. O2L, Sarah Baska, and Trisha Paytas. That was where it was at.
Here’s a list of movies I vividly remember from my childhood that were foundational for me growing up and movies I to this day love so much. You have to watch them if you haven't, but you probably have. I’m sure if we grew up in the same timeframe and region, we will definitely have some shared loves from around the early 2000’s. Watching movies from my childhood brings me so much peace. Put one of these bad boys on and for like an hour or so you can forget the world exists. That’s what I did. Life hack.
Shrek Movies (prime life experience and nostalgia)
George in the Jungle (watch out for that tree)
How to Eat Fried Worms
Home on the Range
Hoodwinked
Nemo
Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper
Enchanted
Chicken Little
The Little Rascals
Stuart Little
Narnia
Spider-Man
Nanny McFee
The Secret Garden
Percy Jackson
The Incredibles
Kermit’s Swamp Years (this movie was low key wild)
Madagascar
Robots
Ratatouille
Wall-E
Ice Age
The Emperor's/Kronk’s New Groove
Matilda
Wizard of Oz
Ella Enchanted
Over the Hedge
Flushed Away
Igor
Hercules
Shark’s Tale
Surfs Up
Mulan
Everlasting Dragon
SharkBoy and Lava Girl (my first girl crush and my love for pink)
Monsters Inc.
Monsters House
Kung Foo Panda
Spiderwick
Meet the Robinsons
Scooby-Doo
Are We There Yet
Coraline
The Tale of Despereaux
A Bug’s Life
Twilight
Major Payne
Napoleon Dynamite (another personal fav)
School of Rock
Gothika
Joe Dirt
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (my favorite movie of all time)
Perks of Being a Wallflower
James in the Giant Peach
Shallow Hal
Bloodsport
Elvira (my fucking queen)
Mermaids
Little Nicky
Hitch
My Girl
Charlie’s Angels
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Ah, the nostalgia. Good times. Every time I rewatch a movie that I recall enjoying as a kid, I think to myself well, younger Emma distinctly remembers this to be fascinating, so I'll trust her. And through all the movies I’ve re-watched after like ten years, they’ve never let me down. Just as good as when I first saw them. I feel like I’m having a movie date with my younger self. Hey girl.
As an adult, I think it's our duty to our younger selves to do and live the lives we’ve always wanted. Be silly and have fun, no matter what age we become. Otherwise, what’s the point? Since when did we have to become so serious all the time?
2.) Practicing Self-Love
In order to love others, you need to love yourself. You need to understand the value of feeling cared for, considered, and valued. All essential conditions for being loved. Once you’ve mastered that, which is easier said than done, you can extend that to others. Start and depend on love from yourself.
Setting boundaries and standards are both parts of practicing self-love. Do not allow less than you deserve or accept polluted intentions/energy. Once you adapt that mind set, protecting yourself and transformation becomes easy/natural. If you’re exhausting your energy all the time feeding into people who do not serve you, there’s nothing left to give to yourself. So, eliminate the need or obligation to feed your energy to others that do not deserve it or reciprocate it.
One of the hardest things for all of us sometimes is to accept our bodies and appearance as just what it is. If you can walk around and function normally, that’s one reason enough to be completely thankful for your body. Some people can’t walk, some people don’t have limbs, or they lose them, along with their freedoms. So next time you’re over-analyzing stretch marks or a little extra skin/chub, or whatever the issue may be, bring yourself back down to gratitude. I do this too sometimes of course. Gratitude will set you free and open your life up to more acceptance and contentment. Start highlighting your personality instead. If you don’t have one, get one. We are not our bodies. One day when we leave this ghastly, yet incredible earthly existence, our souls are not going to spend a single thought on what our bodies looked like. It's more about how you offer kindness, love, and light to the world. Though I do hope there are still some titties in heaven.
Hating yourself WILL hold you back in life. Let that shit go. As long as you maintain a relatively healthy lifestyle and take care of yourself, allow your self worth to exceed far beyond the credit you’ve been giving yourself. You’re so beautiful. Has anyone told you that you weren't? Or have you been the only one telling yourself that?
Every once in a while I am gifted by a clear sign from the universe.
I have been tapping into spiritually a lot more. I see angel numbers every single day, numerous times. If you ask the universe/God for a sign, you will receive it. When I’ve needed one the most, all I needed to do was ask. Say it out loud and be specific with your requests. When I was really depressed after my first breakup, I asked to receive a sign of butterflies within 24 hours. I was not in a good space. I remember opening up my phone that day and seeing a dramatic and beautiful butterfly makeup look pop up on my screen. It was truly undeniable. And on my normal driving route to college there was a painted sign on a wood covered building that wrote “things will get better,” I will never doubt the universe and its power again. Utilize it and ask for help. You shall receive.
Last year I saw this phrase written across an old, abandoned barn, spray painted with red paint in big, imperfect letters. It stated, “Emotions are instincts” and it really struck me how powerful those three words felt. It also felt like I needed to see it. Its structural entirety was slanted in execution. But I don’t think the creator cared. Perfection wasn’t required, it just needed to be seen and understood. In that moment it was, and it felt like it was an aligned reminder. I’m glad I saw it. Underneath this phrase where the words “ethos=pathos=logos” which is true, they’re all indications of one’s character and intelligence. Also masters of persuasion. Emotions, instincts, and persuasion-three children of Power.
If you didn’t know…
I celebrated my lover’s birthday earlier this month. My lover?!? Being born?!? What a gift. I woke up so happy to offer my love. But reality is, birthdays are weird and feel different for everyone. It feels like there’s so much pressure to have a good day. Yet, it's really common to feel sad on your birthday because a lot of people experience this and I have definitely cried on my birthday before. And sometimes you don’t even know why you’re sad, you just are. After college, it becomes harder to gather all your friends together and yeah…you might have to pick up your own birthday cake. But, cheers. You made it another year on this rock. It is an honor.
Even if you’re celebrating (or not) all on your own on your birthday, I hope you still feel special. It’s totally okay to feel sad or not your best on your birthday. Glad you’re here. But seeing my lover a little bit sad on a day I so desperately wanted him to feel good, made me really sad in return. But overall we had an amazing, chill day together. I’m so thankful we spent it together. What I did think about though was when you truly love someone so much, all you want is for them to be happy and safe. When they’re anything less, it feels like our own loss and devastation. You want to take it away or even transfer their pain or sadness to yourself. Happily take it on for them. I told my lover that I have the love for him and that I would have for my own child. A raw and passionate urge to protect. I don’t have a human child, but I can imagine how burning hot that kind love is.
On the flip side, I am really excited for my 23rd birthday this year. I’ve had this feeling for a while that something amazing is going to find its way to me in my 23rd year. I think if I believe it, it will happen. I know I’m going to step more into my element in my 23rd year. I’m calling to and claiming all the good things coming.
I tried to do something nice this past week and in uncontrolled circumstances it just didn’t work out the way I had it orchestrated in my head. And that happens sometimes. You win some and you lose some, and I just happened to lose on this expedition. Including money. Ouch. Though I was really bummed in the moment, I was thankful that even those “sad” days or moments that don’t quite work out, are all salvageable because you’re around someone you love. Like no matter what it’s not a bad day at the end of the day if you spend it with someone you care about. Bad days with the one you love aren’t really bad days. Your people and person will understand. If you find someone truly special, you’ll know it. There are no second guesses or uncertainties. Together you’ll figure it out.
But on another note can we please address something…
Trigger warning: End of the World.
There’s been so many apocalyptic, dystopian, end of the world films coming out lately. And not to get all conspiracist or anything, but what if it's their way of preparing us for what could come. I mean y’all got the national emergency alert test too... If we see it on television, subconsciously we would be less surprised or shocked if it really did pan out in real life. If so, we’re all honestly fucked, but like duh unless you’re the Kardashians, Bezos, or Musk. I’ve heard some talk about millionaires and rich families building underground doomsday bunkers and stocking up. Enjoy your two-ply fuckers. I’ve seen Don’t Look Up, Leave the World Behind, and The Creator. They’re all technically fiction, but the clownery of our government and corrupt leaders around the world are not. All creating systems that fuck us over yet keep us distracted. There’s some good being done too, don't get me wrong, but we need a magic wand. Bippity Boppity Boop. Meanwhile I’m wondering how I am going to pull student loans out of my ass and if I’ll ever have a house.
My friend said recently that they can’t focus on stuff like this or else they’ll just shut down, which is totally valid and understandable. I just can’t really not think about it, and like I said in my previous blog post, I’ve always been a pessimist when it comes to our earthly future. I just don't have faith in the people running it. My boyfriend has a much more hopeful approach to thinking about this kind of stuff. So, it really just depends on what you choose to focus on and think about. Maybe I should rip a page from his book. I am praying for something to send us in the right direction towards peace, love, acceptance, and actually giving a fuck about our environment. Thankfully people are starting to step up. But imma need y'all to start making some leaps like were in the game Doodle Jump. Grab the rocket while you’re at it.
If the world really is gonna end soon, one tendency I need to drop right now is over-analyzing my awareness of how others perceive me- my appearance or presence. Who cares.
I’ve always been hyper-aware of my existence around others stemming from my childhood. Because I had to be when I was going through a really tough period in life. Practices and mechanisms you develop as a kid tag along into your adulthood and this is one of them for me. That’s why when there’s certain people who have no regard for how they’re acting around others, it always irks me or when they are not considerate of others' space and boundaries. I always knew my protective place and I was always very quiet. Being quiet, almost invisible felt like my only power back then in those circumstances. God what a gift it would have been to be invisible at times. As a result of that period of my life, I’m a very considerate person, definitely an observer. Nothing annoys me more than someone who is not considerate. I’ve been able to turn that experience into a deeper understanding of how my presence affects others. But because I’m not a nuisance to society, I might as well just let myself be without thinking too much into it.
So, moving forward I’ll try to be more intentional about remaining considerate without the self-awareness over-analyzation part. I think it's really powerful/valuable to have the don’t care about what anyone thinks mindset, as long as it's in a respectful manner. If the world was really crashing and burning, the last thing you would want to do is care what a stranger's perception is about you.
Speaking of being considerate, why are humans so selfish?
Is the human instinct to be selfish in regard to self-preservation or is it our human instinct to be communal creatures? Everything here on earth’s land and waters has been tainted and tarnished and I wish I could say the only thing untouched is our skies, but even that cannot be true. Emissions in the blue. Both Ocean and Sky. What would Gaia say? She wouldn’t say she would scream. She would weep. She will unleash the ultimate consequences of feminine rage. We’re already starting to feel and see it. Her body torn apart, taken advantage of and disregarded. Even mother nature is not spared.
That was dark.
In addition to that,
How do people in more severe poverty actually survive? Like I need to dig more into research about it, but like are they living? Or are they just dying? No, fr because how do you keep up in this world and inflation? It’s not like wages are guaranteed to keep up or adjust to the changes and not everyone utilizes government assistance. And just because you receive a degree does not always mean you're on your way to guaranteed financial freedom right now. I've felt the struggles of financial worry a lot throughout my life, and I still am, but I recognize how lucky I’ve been to have had everything I’ve needed with more. Thanks to help. It must be so tough for families that are below my own financial status growing up. I have felt how tough it is in smaller, yet valid ways. My parents more so than me. I can only imagine having more of a struggle. More and more people are. Being able to afford the bare minimum should not be allowed in the wealthiest country in the world. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep up and keep your head above the water. I have to unclog my ears every once in a while to get the water out. There are so many families long below the water’s surface running out of breath. And of course, there’s people with sand between their toes above the water, with their fancy umbrellas and their Gucci flip flops. Building their sandcastles.
I talk to my friends about this all the time. Imagine being a parent in this economy?? If you are, power to you and you’re pretty much a superhero because it’s so hard to even be accountable for yourself. I could not imagine having a child and having to afford them. Especially in an economy where there’s literally no support for mothers. Remember when there was no baby formula? Like what the fuck was that? Child Care- not easily accessible nor affordable, adds more pressure to become a stay-at-home parent/enhances the struggles balancing career and children. Healthcare- an absolute joke. Mental toll- depression rates and hidden struggles. Physical toll- birthing a whole child (that speaks for itself). Education- becoming disruptive and unsafe. I could never welcome a child unless I was emotionally, financially, and physically stable. Best interest for everyone included. But not everyone has this option and I truly wish there were more resources for families struggling with children. This is why abortion rights are so important and implementing additional resources to help growing families in poverty.
Not to mention, can we please pay social workers more for what they deserve? They’re straight up doing God’s work trying to lift people up under crumbling circumstances. Huge kudos to families trying their best to make it all work. Being a parent is so hard no matter what, with all of its rewards of course. My mom was the same age as I am right now when she had me. I think about how if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that responsibility. Though I know I would make a great mom. I’m so proud that a lot of people in my generation are breaking out of so many generational traumas and cutting that shit off and for building a more acceptive, honest space. I hope that all the positive attributes that the world currently is holding, starts to shove the stubborn and outdated evils out, so that if I did choose to have a child one day, I would feel confident in the world in which I brought them into.
ALSO THERE’S STILL A GENDER PAY GAP.
HOW.
Anyways, this portion of the blog is teetering on the brink of political or whatever so since I'm here:
TAX THE RICH.
BITCH.
In my next blog I’ll try not to focus on my daily existential crisis as much and talk about some light hearted-things, but there’s always a balance of both. Someone has to talk about it. If we all don’t, nothing changes.
To bring some light back in, I want to write about something I’m extremely grateful for. My car. My car has always been a space of reflection and healing for me. It’s my number one preferred space for listening to music and allows me to charge my soul. If I didn’t have my car I simply could not be where I am today. Also my mom, who helped me get my car and literally everything else in life. Hi mom, love you. (She reads my blogs #dayonenumberonefan) Thanks Queenie.
There was a lottery at my college freshman year to determine who out of the freshman could receive a parking pass. I really wanted my car on campus and luckily I won. My car allowed me to have my first relationship, which I believe was all to set me up for my current one. It allowed me to have jobs and make money for myself. I would Doordash through college when I didn't have enough hours or was laid off. I was really broke throughout college, but my car allowed me to buy food and experiences that I desired.
At first, I hated driving. I would like actually cry and have so much anxiety during driving lessons in highschool. Due to anxiety regarding driving, I received my license at 18, not 16 and never a day in my life did I drive myself to highschool. I would be the first person at my highschool every morning. My parents would drop me off early in the morning because they worked early. It felt like the school just opened for me, because I would pretty much be the only soul there for at least an hour before the masses swooped in.
During my morning waiting periods I would do either four things: do the homework I didn’t attempt the night before, do my makeup, sleep, or phone scroll. But I usually always needed that extra sleep. Though it was kinda ominous always sitting in the school before everyone got there, I really liked being alone before everyone came. I enjoy being alone. It's so comforting. I was in my I hate y’all era in highschool and had like two close friends. I would catch rides to work and from school, but I would have to wait around. After gaining more confidence behind the wheel and getting my first car, I was able to spread my wings more. Now I drive blasting a baddie anthem with a McDonalds Sprite in hand. Zoom. Having a car allows you so much personal freedom. If someone you know has helped you pay for your car…please express to them your gratitude.
There are so many things to be thankful for.
Next, a random, unrelated question:
Is it actually taboo or considered weird to have your nipples show in your clothes in public? Do people actually care or think it’s weird? In my mind, it's like who the fuck should actually care. If you notice, okay… Noted. Move on. That’s simply just someone’s body showing. Still clothed. So, what is there to be an issue about. Right? I don’t know, I felt weird about it at the gym. I felt the need to conceal myself even though I personally deemed it a stupid reason to. Subconsciously though we’re all conditioned to please and follow the patriarchal and societal rule book on what’s allowed and what’s not. Can we start making the rules?
Yes, we can, and we are. I feel like as a woman I want to wear clothes that will flatter and accentuate my body a certain way but feel hesitant because of how (some, not all) men will perceive me. But we always have known that. It’s annoying though. I know we shouldn’t give a single care, but that doesn’t make it any less apparent of a reality/concern. And we do have to think about it, because unfortunately safety is not always guaranteed. Conditioning and sexism at its absolute finest. Only show off when there’s a stamp of approval, or when they want us to. Sorry babe, y’all are running out of ink and I just don’t want to care anymore. It’s a bit more normal to pop a titty in somewhere like L.A., but in a town that has more cows than it does people, it’s not so common. People are threatened by a woman who loves and feels powerful in her body/full self because those women are the most powerful. They free themselves from shame, exploitation, and prescribed rules. All the more reason to become that type of woman. I’m trying.
I was wearing a revealing top a while back with my boyfriend out to dinner and before I went to the bathroom, I put on my hefty winter coat to cover up. I told my boyfriend how stupid it was that if I choose to not put it on, I would have to accept the fact that I would receive glares on my quick walk to the Royal John. Though it felt stupid and unnecessary, it was a real and valid concern that we all face sometimes. There are (some, not all) men who will and do call at/grab you, because they think they can. I had indulged in some wine at this point, so the thought of actually having to physically fight a man to protect myself made me tear up. Because it really does happen. There are plenty women out there that have had to. That is a reality I never want to experience. Many are not so lucky. I am so sorry.
I'm going to write the rules.
An update for the blogs:
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop doing Song of the Blog. To be honest I’m a music gatekeeper if you wanna call it that and I don’t like to share my music. I thought I would try it out, but it really feels like giving small parts of my personal enjoyment and self out to the world. Music has always been something that was very crafted, personal, and sacred to me. My music playlist and listening time feels like an extension of myself. It’s something that has been curated in relation to my identity over many years and has been a pinpoint of healing and self-expression to me. It might be stupid to some or not that big of a deal, but to each their own. I agree that the sensation/enjoyment of music should be shared, but I also just wanna keep what I enjoy to myself. I would refrain from sharing my favorites anyway. However, I have been thinking of offering a service where I create and customize playlists for people. I think if people were to provide me the vibe, genre, and feel of music they like to enjoy, I could dig and find some new bops in relation to the music they already listen to, or something new to try out and explore. I love music hunting, but I definitely get the point too when I need something new and fresh. If this is something you’d ever consider doing, let a girl know.
Instead, I would like to start highlighting my appreciation and awe of badass women. Now that’s something I am always willing to share. Appreciating their existence, talents, and power, for whatever reason that may be. Besides sharing music, I think creating a space to uplift and applaud a baddie is equally good and as valuable to me. Advocating and appreciating women is one passion that I truly know I hold inside myself and one I wholeheartedly believe in. I believe that I am here to uplift women in some shape or form. I have been searching for a way to do so, so this fits perfectly into my blog and something I want to direct attention to. During the summer, I was frantically, and unironically typing “how to join the feminist movement” into my search bar after wanting to find something to pour my passion into after the job market was making me re-question my whole life. I think women are so inspiring and so cool. I will fight for them always. You can’t escape the experience of being a woman. It is you. There’s certain shared truths, destinies, and bonds, held by those alike. A collective, generational inheritance of circumstances. This is true throughout all identity categories and inherited experiences -with the exception of those who occasionally break the mold and create a new perspective/norm/reality for those in the future.
Woman of the Blog: GYPSY ROSE BLANCHARD. She’s fucking out of prison!!! Wow, it's a bit surreal that she’s out and finally allowed to attempt living a free-uncontrolled life for herself. I’m sure you’ve heard of her story or have watched the re-creation of her life in the show The Act or the documentary Mommy Dead and Dearest, if not look her up. And definitely watch the show if you haven’t. It was wild. But even though I thought The Act was really captivating, Gypsy did not approve of its filming nor was paid for it. Imagine a series being made about your whole life and trauma and not being paid for it. Lawyer up sis. So, if you want to check her out, I would follow her new documentary The Prison Confessions of Gypsy Rose Blanchard that just came out, created from herself. It’s an infamous story, of which she was the true victim of Munchausen by proxy. Imagine serving 8 and ½ years for enduring severe child abuse. Claims of sleep apnea, leukemia, muscular dystrophy, a wheelchair, feeding tube, and other issues falsely diagnosed by her mother, resulted in seizures, asthma, hearing and visual impairments, hella serious treatments and medications, at times not even being able to stand or eat real, quality food, surgeries on her eyes, removal of salivary glands, her teeth rotting out, and being lied to about her own age…like yeah, she had her part in what she did and she was liable, but it was an escape when her mother denied her from her own life. She claimed hers back by ending hers. She aided in the orchestration of her mother’s murder, but her mother was killing her first. Child Protective Services and numerous doctors failed her. She was impressionable by someone dangerous and thought she was in love, looking for a savior.
You can tell she’s definitely grown a lot as a person after having all that time to finally explore herself. She now advocates about Munchausen by proxy and how murder is not the answer. Post-prison she said that the world now has color in it. I would say that too if I felt like I had more freedom in prison than my old life. I don’t know if it's considered controversial to support Gypsy, but I feel like the girl deserves a chance to actually live. Lots of people are rooting for her. I love that she’s a spicy queen and is defending her man. She said what she said and she’s not playing around. Period. I respect that. And she’s already a pop-culture stan. Imagine entering this economy after almost a decade. Bitch I’ve been here for the past twenty or so and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on or what I got myself into. She looks so slay with the lashes and everything. Once a lost girl and now a new woman. Welcome queen.
If we can learn something from Gypsy, it is that it's not too late to turn your life around and do some inner healing from your mistakes. I mean her’s was a big one -maybe even the biggest, but you get the point. Trauma and the feeling of helplessness really brings out the worst and darkest part of us. Do not let that consume you and win. Being the bigger person will take you far. I learned this lesson way younger than I was supposed to. I’ve had to be more mature as a kid than some adults. Unfortunately, that is not that rare. Do not stoop low. Aim high. Those who can’t keep up will fall. Let them. Own up to your mistakes and move forward. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. We can keep trying until we get it right. Protect yourself and take control of your own actions. We cannot control other people.
With that, I hope everyone is doing okay in this new year so far. If not, we’ll get 'em next year tiger. There’s still 11 more months to go. Inevitably, there’s gonna be some bonkers occurrences this year, besides what is happening already. I mean look at the scope of just the past few years. Especially with a presidential election coming up at the end of the year, of which I am seriously not mentally able to deal with- a shit show. But buckle up and stay grounded. Beauty and love will persist too. Focus on yourself and what really matters. Look inward. Personal peace is everything.
Peace and love,
Emma
