Since My First Post...

So…not that you would know inherently, but it's been about three months since I initially wrote my first post for this blog. I think about new ideas and thoughts to share on this blog nearly every day and this is truly something I want to do, yet life’s complexities and realness really can throw you for a loop sometimes and distract you from what you’re passionate about. And I don’t want to set a woe is me scene here, but I’ve been so drained of energy and motivation lately that I really did not feel like I had much to give. Let me paint a picture about my life recently. I’m glad to be writing this, I’m glad to be back, consistently.

I’ll start by saying that I promise I don’t want to make this post all about work, but I was struggling with feeling like that’s all that life and time was allowing. Thanks capitalism. I was working a bakery job. It was the job I picked up post-college after being disappointed by the job market and the reality of how challenging it can be to pick up an ideal job after college, or any job for that matter. This topic is something I could dive into further, but nonetheless let’s continue. I had to dig internally to see what I could do for work, especially since I was moving states to live with my boyfriend and his family, of which I had met probably three times prior...I'm in love don't worry about it. I had always loved baking with my grandmothers growing up, so I convivence myself to take a chance on this passion and just try it out. Unfortunately, it's easy to feel like we don't have time to allow ourselves to really dig deep and wait for a perfect opportunity because we need money to live. When we need a job, we need a job even if it's not the one we really wanted. This job was meant to be temporary and it was okay for a while.

The dynamic of the cafe was weird to start off the bat because the owners live in Tennessee, one of which happens to be the baker who basically created this business. There was only one woman working in the bakery when I joined, she was great. I really liked her and she was talented at what she did, but she put her two weeks in after I had only been there for around a week and a half. So, my training is cut short, but at least a new baker is hired to help me out. However, we are both pretty much new bakers just trying to balance catering business orders and cafe orders while being thrown into this role. Anyway…there were definitely cons regarding the job that were starting to affect me, and the scale measuring against its pros started to plumet. In fact, I think the screw holding the scale together was starting to spring out. If I don't pull this weight off soon enough, the whole thing is going to come crashing down and there are going to be parts of me left all over the place. Mechanic is out of town. After a while of working, I started to trick myself that it was fine and that I should keep going. I’ve done this before at other jobs, but I always end up getting to a point where I’m completely exhausted and I have nothing left to give. I was at that point hehe. If you ever worked in the food/restaurant industry, you know its a very particular one. Working and your job become such a big part of your life, so if it starts to make you feel unhappy, you adapt to an unhappy mindset that bleeds into your personal life. Though I appreciated other aspects of my life and was thankful, I was focused on what was draining me and giving me anxiety instead. It happens to the best of us.

Here are my complaints:  

I stood all day long and was always moving, which like okay at least I’m moving my body, but not for like 8.5-9 hours 5x. I know other professions and employees do this too like my boyfriend who is a nurse, but it’s tough! This really made me appreciate and applaud those with much worse and vigorous jobs than mine and those who do it for much less. I felt like a watery pancake batter that just spreads out and ends up burning quickly. I would add some maple syrup (self-gaslighting) to sugar coat my situation, but the syrup didn't end up feeling sweet it just made everything stickier. Hard to swallow. I usually took 13-minute breaks each shift, 10 by the time I grabbed my food at sat down. I could take a half hour break, but it would be unpaid. I would feel like I needed to stay later to make up my hours and I would have to rush to get all the baked goods done in time, so it wasn't ideal. Besides, many of the projects were collaborative at times with the other baker, so it was best to be around for most of the shift. My body was hurting. I started seeing a chiropractic service. You know those videos/memes of people getting their necks snapped? Yeah, that’s me. I’m getting snapped, folded, AND twisted. Little did I know, this would set me up for a more aligned path in the future, yet again the universe aligning itself before me as I am oblivious and convincing myself I've just about had it. Woe really felt like me.

Next.

Eating became a challenge. I never really cared for the cafe’s food to be quite honest, so I didn't really care too much about eating it the first place, but after the day that my coworker said she caught the line chef using a floor-dropped utensil to cook the food... I deadass never ordered from the cafe again. I began to not eat lunch for my workdays. I don’t eat breakfast. With depression’s shadow casting over me as the winter's days get shorter, I dread getting out of bed every morning. I wake up and fantasize about not going into work. Ha, but don’t we all. In conclusion, I'm eating one real meal a day and I start eating smaller portions too while I’m at it. To be honest, I was teetering on the lines of an eating disorder, or on track to follow eating disorder behavior if I were to keep this up. I was so tired in the first place, so I would just eat what I thankfully received that day (bless up to Alex’s mom) and call it a day. Yes, I did lose weight. For the first time in a while really. All achieved not through healthy methods, yet proven true that people seem to compliment you most when you’re skinnier, even if you feel like a shallow pit on the inside. I think this is why many eating disorders are encouraged through unintentional enablement. Whether you struggle with eating too much or too little, we all have to eat. People almost always associate losing weight with becoming healthier, and a skinnier body as a healthier one. There’s more to it than that, hence why you should never comment on anyone's body. I was told I looked healthy and that I was glowing by multiple people around me. Was I really? But low key, I have to admit that I was feeling myself more too as I looked in the mirror and saw a thinner shell of myself. Shells crack easy. I cannot speak for everyone and all cases, but some people probably feel their worst internally when people think they look the best externally. I started to throw up in the mornings or feel really nauseous either because thinking about going to work gave me anxiety and this is sometimes my response to anxiety-or I wasn’t eating enough and drinking enough water to feel good. Actually, it was impossible for me to feel good because I wasn’t taking care of myself. For further context into my life, I have always struggled with binge eating, so I’ve never really not craved food, and for the first time that’s how I began to feel. I convinced myself didn't even want it even while my ribs hurt because I didn't have enough energy to hold my torso up. I was sinking physically and mentally. I think I’m coming out of this now, and really all I want to do is eat more of the right foods and enjoy my snackies too ofc. I love and appreciate food, but relationships with food can be so tricky. You deserve to eat good. Food is fuel. Your body is one of the least interesting things about you.

Next.

My coworker and I just didn’t vibe man. I started to not want to talk to her because I didn’t want to deal with the interaction. Our encounters became minimal communication towards the end, and it just didn’t feel sustainable in a work environment in which we worked so close with each other. The vibes were hesitant and hostile, and I felt personally that I was trying my best to uphold an almost “kill them with kindness attitude” but like in a shy, intimidated, non-confrontational, and withdrawn type of way at the same time. I’m aware how not everyone is going to like you, but we worked so close together in the day and so dependent on each other to manage the constant baking, it was just stressful trying to navigate things by ourselves and keep up, especially at 3 am sometimes. It felt like trying to unravel a tension knot that was super glued together. It is not budging. I decided to cut the knot off instead and put my two weeks in. After my last shift, I sent her a text and honestly sent her good wishes, despite her being one of the main reasons I didn’t want to keep up with the job any longer. It was weird, sometimes our exchange would feel tolerable and then other days I didn’t want to engage and I could tell she didn’t want to either. Back to the text- I basically was like hey! Won’t see you again, good luck at the bakery, I hope you get more recognition for the work that goes into the bakery and send everyone my best regards. I didn’t get a text back, but it's fine because I never have to encounter this person ever again. In retrospect, everyone at the cafe was going through their own shit as well and trying to balance their own lives just like me. I do wish them all well. On the other hand, I needed a change and something inside me was urging me to make it. Impulsively yes, but I feel like the universe deemed it necessary for me to do so.

A buoy (pronounced boo-eee) just popped up to save me from sinking, but I still have to swim to it.

This work affected me in many aspects of my life, and it was affecting me most in my mind. It wasn’t worth it. If you can take the time to just get in tune with yourself and look inwards, please do so, nothing is worth compromising your mental health.  People or places. Listen to what your mind and body is screaming at you. So far, this leap has given me more encouragement in what’s to come and a nice reminder that life can and will change in small yet destined ways. It all becomes better as time evolves and is uncoded. You don’t have to be stuck. Try not to be stuck in anything really- a relationship, a job, a cycle, a negative mindset. It's hard and you’ll possibly have to dig yourself out many times (especially if you have depression), but it's always worth it to keep going. If something is truly holding you back, you have to let it go. If you're holding yourself back, recognize that you have to change your thought patterns or work towards something else that actually brings you joy. Easier said than done. Your mental health comes first. If you feel like you’re drowning too, try to swim. And damn you know what, swimming takes work! Luckily, we don't have to be Michael Phelps. We can choose our own pace and if we're lucky maybe someone will hand us floaties along the way. Steer away from sharks, they just tear you down. Take comfort in knowing that if all else fails, you and only you have the control and power to work on, take care, and improve yourself.

So, now I’m here. Trying to make Dory proud.

Just keep swimming.

Since then, I have been thinking about my goals, improvements, and what steps I need to take moving forward. I’ll list them out. If you’re reading this, maybe one of them could help you too. I most likely won’t tackle these all at once because that is unrealistic, but 1/2/3 steps at a time. Each one helps in allowing me to feel more like myself again.

-Drink more water

-Eat more nutritious foods

-Move my body

-Work on something creative as a hobby (aka this blog)

-Figure out what I should do for work (try to find something I care about and enjoy)

-Make time for beauty activities that make me feel good (skincare, doing my makeup, wearing clothes that make me feel good and making commitments to other self-care activities)

- Start to think/act on the few adult-adult responsibilities I have to address and do eventually now that I am post-grad and 22.

-Practice and promote self-love and healing

Once these have been tackled (far from mastered), I can expand the list. As I evolve, my needs evolve. I hope to get to a place where I feel stronger overall- physically and mentally and to be more appreciative and productive. I defeated my job's blockade, but now I also have to defeat my own blockade. Cue Miley, I need her wrecking ball. I'm getting out of my own way. All in all, I don’t really have any other choice but to keep going and figuring it out because life is very demanding! Gotta make that money, gotta be a loving partner, a pet mom, a daughter, a housemate, a student (I graduated, but college and school is a whole other ballpark/experience), a real parent (I’m not, don’t know if I will be- this is the biggest ballpark of all, one I can’t truly speak on), a sibling, and so many other roles that one may take on. It is really challenging to give little pieces of yourself to different aspects of your life and still be expected/able to give attention and care to yourself wholeheartedly. But you (and I) have to, as it is most important.

Honor your accomplishments, spend time with the people you love, look inward, be creative, address your mental health (craft a plan to make it better), make a change if necessary for your well-being, try your best to be kind to your body, and feel your emotions. Do not build a dam, it will be destined for leaks and cracks. It's undeniable that we truly are the only ones that can pull ourselves back to ambition to strive/grow/be alive. We, ourselves, alone have to figure this shit out and address what we want in life. Take it. Let the universe build you a bridge to get to the next checkpoint, but know that you have to bring the screws to stabilize it.  Thank the universe or those sent in our lives here to support us. I hope you have someone who supports you. If not, I hope you find someone someday who may change everything for you. In divine timing, but for now you have everything within yourself. Additionally, filter out the people who are making your screws loose. As we know, loose screws make us feel a bit crazy.

Since taking a step towards change, I immediately felt a weight lifted and a comforting sense of hope/opportunity wash over me. I am going to continue to soak up this newfound ambition and desire for self-improvement. I just want to feel better. I have always been extremely self-aware, but self-awareness does not equate to self-assurance.

I have the power to make a change.

I have the power to invest in myself.

I have the power to act on my goals.

I have the time to learn, live, and evolve.

I'm not sure if all my blogs will match this length moving forward, some more some less, but this is what just came to me naturally when feeling like I wanted to give context on a transitional period of my life and where I’m at now diving back into this. Additionally, I want to dive more deeply into what I’ve been reflecting on recently and different topics that I ponder on. If you have any topics or experiences you would like me to write about, please let me know. The year is almost over. I’ve been manifesting bitch. Like saying shit out loud. I’m really trying to call my exhausted energy back into myself with light, abundance, and love. I drove under a big ass full moon tonight spewing verbal affirmations I’m attracting to myself while listening to This Night Has Opened My Eyes by The Smiths. Great time. Recommend.

You can always call power back to yourself.

You can always choose yourself.

You can always work towards something better.

You’re just going to have to work for it.

Ew! I know.

We got it.

Peace and love,

Emma

Song of the Blog:

Brilliant Mind III by Blanco, 163Margs